- August 20th, 2010
I feel like my life has become a melodrama, but I'm not in on it...or maybe I'm the only one in on it.
I've changed so much in the past two years and I hate every bit of it. Every day I defend myself in one way or another, whether it be to the world, to myself,or to the people I supposedly care about the most.
I'm constantly searching for a shred of anything resembling the past. It seem like my childhood was a slow progression into who I was meant to be and it all suddenly spiked when I turned 15. I rode the wave until I was 20 and it's all been downhill from there. Now I find myself taking any pathetic opportunity to salvage any bit of self respect. I know I'm in there somewhere. I don't know what I feel anymore. I want so badly to disappear from this life and start fresh.
I want another chance
Do you believe in fate?
I'm a firm believer that fate takes you to a certain point. I think I messed up after that. I had the components for greatness, but I couldn't find it. If I could strat again would fate give me these components towards a better outcome?
People go through shit. People struggle, and people live lifetimes of suffering. Everyone has there own Everest. Why can't I see how insignificant my struggles are...or is that an even bigger issue? I am insignificant, even though I was built for better.
Some people are perfectly content with being average. Why can't I be?
It's because I can never live down the successes of everyone around me.
I wish I could disappear from all pre-existing notions of what success is and the person I've allowed myself to become.
I wish I could create my own definition of home.