Second Rate Singer

life's no storybook

Just wrote an entire entry, then lost it.
Maybe I'll write it again later.

"You don't deserve to be jerked around when you were unknowingly brought into this situation. He's afraid and would rather run everyone else into the ground than deal with what is supposedly so important to him. He's a scumbag, and I know that you care about him and I hate that he has this power over you because you deserve so much more than that and all of this bullshit that comes with it."

It's pretty amazing how a rant about a person I have no respect for also very adequately describes myself.

With every word I wrote I realized a little more that I, in a very different situation, fall to the same faults as this person...

Just an observation.
I don't draw any other ties between these two situations.

Life's No Storybook.
I don't know if my life is quite narrowed down to a melodrama as previously addressed.

At the risk of sounding cliche (which I've recently accepted is my biggest fear in life)
I often feel like I'm in a high school play. Some people have characters that are well-developed, some have actual names, but no dialogue, some are just there for something to do. I'm the back-up guy who had to try to memorize everyone's part in case someone fell ill. My character has developed without much personal control and I'm going through acts of drama, but am seemingly disconnected from what it is I'm actually doing.

I kind of feel like I become numb to any caring forthought at the most pivital times. I have fits of emotional confusion when no one's around to see, but when the time comes to actually accomplish something all I can do is try my best to find the lines...

More to come.

I feel like my life has become a melodrama, but I'm not in on it...or maybe I'm the only one in on it.

I've changed so much in the past two years and I hate every bit of it. Every day I defend myself in one way or another, whether it be to the world, to myself,or to the people I supposedly care about the most.

I'm constantly searching for a shred of anything resembling the past. It seem like my childhood was a slow progression into who I was meant to be and it all suddenly spiked when I turned 15. I rode the wave until I was 20 and it's all been downhill from there. Now I find myself taking any pathetic opportunity to salvage any bit of self respect. I know I'm in there somewhere. I don't know what I feel anymore. I want so badly to disappear from this life and start fresh.

I want another chance

Do you believe in fate?
I'm a firm believer that fate takes you to a certain point. I think I messed up after that. I had the components for greatness, but I couldn't find it. If I could strat again would fate give me these components towards a better outcome?

People go through shit. People struggle, and people live lifetimes of suffering. Everyone has there own Everest. Why can't I see how insignificant my struggles are...or is that an even bigger issue? I am insignificant, even though I was built for better.

Some people are perfectly content with being average. Why can't I be?
It's because I can never live down the successes of everyone around me.

I wish I could disappear from all pre-existing notions of what success is and the person I've allowed myself to become.

I wish I could create my own definition of home.

(no subject)
Finally have actual internet, but still no router.
I have to settle for using Kira's Mom's laptop hardwired for now.

Not the most secure place to divulge my thoughts, so more to come later on...


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